Sofia Dichenekova, Graphic artist

I often find myself pondering; where does my boundary end, and where do others begin? There is an invisible yet palpable line within each of us dictating how we navigate our understanding of ourselves, and those around us. Without a clear grasp of where this boundary lies, misunderstandings and emotional distress is inevitable.

I believe it isn’t just significant, but also critical to establish and maintain boundaries, like erecting a fence around a home to keep intruders at bay. In this metaphor, the ‘intruders’ are those who steal our time, energy, or money extravagantly, and carelessly. The question is: how strong is your fence?

In recent days, I have been deeply reflecting on my own boundaries: their strength and flexibility, whether I unknowingly overstep others, and whether I let people overstep mine. I found out that I am a bit loose on those boundaries when it comes to people I love – an experience was had, and a lesson was learned. At the end of the day, it comes down to the values we hold dearly and which of those values we prioritize.

By definition, values are the deeply held beliefs that guide our decisions, behaviors, and sense of right and wrong. Some of the values we hold are honesty, compassion, respect, independence, loyalty, and growth. For instance, if we value self-respect over approval, we may set boundaries that prioritize our mental well-being. Or, if we value independence over connection, we may be able to enforce boundaries that give us space and freedom, even if it means creating some distance in our relationships.

In many families, an unspoken dynamic designates a chosen few as the ‘sacrificial lamb.’ They are the fixer, the giver, the one who says ‘yes’ when others won’t. While it may feel noble, it leaves them emotionally depleted and resentful. On the other hand, some might be able to get away with everything. Somehow, all the dynamics of a family make the family work, but if one individual decides to break it, it can all fall.

Reflecting on my own experience, I wonder if our mothers regret shaping us, especially daughters, to fit into a society where saying yes to everything made us ‘good.’ We were taught to cater to others without limit, even when we felt uncomfortable. This reflection leads me to realize how important it is to teach kids to say ‘no’ at a young age. By empowering children to set boundaries early, we give them the tools to protect their emotional well-being and value their time, energy, and resources.

How much space we hold out for ourselves shows up in our daily lives because we attract what we believe in. Our boundaries, or lack thereof, are not just random – they’re connected. This full circle ultimately brings us back to self-love. it helps us understand our needs and feelings are valid and worth protecting. So, where does your boundary end, and where does someone else begin? The answer lies in the fence you choose to build. Despite what kind of environment, you were brought up in, it’s up to you to take the reins in keeping your own house safe, metaphorically speaking.

Written by: Ruth Mekasha

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