It’s Ok

Hey AWiBers, when I tell you that I hate writer’s block, I mean, I really, really hate writer’s block!  It’s one of the hardest but surprisingly also the absolute best challenges I get to continue to master as a contributor for AWiB.  With my personal AWiB journey, I have realized that I have in fact reached one of the portals to my true potential.  Think about this for a second – has it happened to you yet?  Or do you believe it will happen eventually?  “What?” You ask?  I’m talking about the happening of your sudden realization and actualization of your being.  It’s just like waking up again after you had woken up just a few minutes ago when your alarm went off.  You hit the buzz button, go back to sleep and then it continues to ring again and again as a reminder.  That’s how it feels to continuously transform yourself.  And that, ladies and gentlemen, is when life calls upon you once again.

Just when you think you’re slipping up, getting fed up and on the verge of quitting, or maybe feeling like your current comfort is good enough, there are wake-up calls.  The universe sends signs and signals to re-mind you and, sometimes drastically, re-guide you back on your path.  If you’ve ever been blessed enough to recognize them, it’s actually a beautiful feeling:  To accept your process, which involves awakening, running and fighting, and possibly even going back to sleep a little bit more; to acknowledge your right to failure and shortcomings in the name of your growth and progress; to understand and have faith in the bigger picture at hand and be visionary enough to see what can become of you in the future, given your persistent commitment to yourself. And, above all else, it is exciting to have the courage to hop onto your solitary boat to sail towards unknown waters of the life ahead of you.  Yes people, that is a beautiful feeling indeed.

Obviously it’s not always the most pleasant of rides, to say the least.  But along the way—with all the rocking and swaying—if you can learn to strain through the headaches and bottle up the nausea…well, then, you are set.  Oh yes, of course don’t forget to pack a life vest and your margarita mixing set; you might fall overboard a time or two and most definitely need a drink after that.  That’s just me.  Smile, go ahead, you get it.

Back to my initial point though:  writer’s block sucks.  And it took me a while to think of something to share.  It came to me in the middle of the night after my regular breastfeeding session.  Am I getting too comfortable?  Has this Corona situation lockdown lifestyle affected my efficiency in general?  Have I truly accepted that Ambiance had to close?  Am I really using this free time on my hands to reflect on my way forward or just wallowing in days upon days that keep blurring into one?  And the most difficult feeling of all – am I reminding myself to consistently be grateful of my journey and my current state?  Cause, people, believe me when I say of all things, regardless of whatever predicament you may find yourself in, not being grateful for what you can and have, only adds on to the hindrance of anything ever changing for the better.  You have to remember to be grateful of yourself, in whatever state you find yourself in.  You have to pat yourself on the back for what you have achieved so far both in success and in failures.  Because acknowledging your failure is the biggest success you can ever gain.

So, here I am deep in thought, most likely in the same PJs I had been in for a couple of days, with my hair looking like a bird’s nest gone wrong.  You know you’ve had those days.  I was reminded of my friend’s feedback to me about my blogs: “I still think you are being too cautious and careful and not being outspoken for unapologetically speaking your truth…you can push a little bit more.”  So throughout my journey of writing for AWiB, I might have been too careful with expressing my true feelings.  I am grateful for the courage Ms. AWiB provided me to understand and want to share my vulnerabilities; yes, for that I am grateful.

But now I see that being vulnerable is one thing.  And being courageous in sharing your opinions with no expectation of getting an agreed response from the other end is a whole other thing.  It’s not even about just being courageous as much as it is being firm and grounded in your beliefs enough to not let naysayers distract you from your truth.  It is also about balancing your personal philosophies with the humbleness and respect required to entertain other ideas as possibilities to enhance your truth.

So what I know now is that I am a little lost with where I’m headed and just how to renew my career path.  And guess what?  That’s ok.  Now I’m in no mood to waste my energy on superficial friendships and relations that do not add value to my self-reflections.  That’s ok too.  Now I have days I feel energized because my 7-month-old decided to sleep through the night and I have days I’d rather not a soul speak to me because I just don’t want to.  And that’s ok.  And now I find myself enjoying times of doing absolutely nothing and binging on shows and movies, just being lazy when my soul calls for it.  And that is ok.  Now I am a little discouraged and it’s a struggle to find hope sometimes with all this Covid madness.  And guess what?  That’s ok, too.

Written by: Marthe Nzokou Giday