Egon Schiele. Self-portrait detail 1910

We are not merely beings who love company- we are beings who require witness. 

~ Desmond Tutu

Have you ever wondered if our senses are covered by the idea of being seen? Attention has become a kind of currency- something we chase, trade, and crave, sometimes, most times-without even knowing why.

Lately, I’ve been sitting with these questions, and they led me down a path I think many women, especially Ethiopian women, silently walk every day. The silent pressure, the expectations, the fear of being alone, the fear of making the wrong choice, and the emotional dependence we disguise as “love.” All of it sits at the intersection of desire and survival, and that’s where I wanted this month’s Blog to reflect.

How related are loneliness and our hunger for attention? We don’t talk enough about how loneliness can twist itself into decisions. Not just romantic decisions- but life decisions. When we fear loneliness, attention becomes nourishment. A message, a compliment, a warm body, a pair of eyes on us; suddenly, it feels like safety. But is it love? Or is it a momentary relief from the ache of being unseen? It may scratch an itch for now, but it definitely isn’t sustainable.

When we confuse attention with affection, we start negotiating our standards. We make room for insecurity and become addicted to the very thing that leaves us with a void we can not fill. We hold on to people we should’ve released long ago. Over time, like a snowball rolling downhill, the ‘love’ turns into a full-blown resentment.

We want someone to say, I see you. You exist. You matter. Don’t we matter on our own? Don’t we matter having a marvelous meal on our bed, if we don’t have anyone to share it with?

The bending, the shrinking, the adjusting of our voice, or humor, to maintain a feeling that isn’t remotely stable, why do we do it? Oh yes, the attention is intoxicating- AKA love bombing.

 Sometimes we mistake the intensity of emotion for the presence of love. But when the passion is gone, so is the love. We negotiate for more, and end up with less. Less than we started with.

And then, there’s the pressure to settle. It’s not just cultural,  it’s generational, psychological, and deeply personal. I’ve talked about this before, but it’s worth repeating: By a certain age, everyone suddenly becomes an advisor. Your value somehow becomes tied to your ring finger, pushing women into relationships where choosing the wrong person feels better than choosing themselves. and yet, almost 50 % of marriages in Ethiopia end up in divorce; something worth thinking about.

Choosing wrong becomes safer than being alone. God forbid, you end up a ‘spinster.’ I truly believe everybody deserves to love and be loved. We deserve love that doesn’t demand our self-abandonment, where we don’t lose our voice to keep the peace. I know it’s easier said than done, but it is time to learn to internalize the love we so carelessly give away.

By Ruth Mekasha

Share with your Circle!